What Is Emotional Abuse? Recognizing the Signs of Gaslighting, Love Bombing, and Unhealthy Relationships
What is emotional abuse?
Emotional abuse is one of the hardest types of abuse to spot. When people talk about abuse in relationships the types that usually pop into the mind are sexual or physical abuse. Therefore, emotional abuse often runs under the radar.
Like most abuse, emotional abuse is all about power, control, and manipulation. It also follows typical abusive patterns—sometimes to the point where it can be predicted. And overtime it may be seen as cyclical: The perpetrator abuses, asks for forgiveness, a honeymoon period starts, and then the abuse is done again.
Some of the most common signs of emotional abuse:
the victim walking on eggshells
the perpetrator getting angry when approached about problems
the perpetrator minimizing abusive behavior
blame-shifting, victim playing (“I guess I’m just a horrible person”)
love bombing
gaslighting.
Here we will focus on the last two: love bombing and gaslighting.
Love Bombing
There are two main types of love bombing.
Someone comes on thick and fast at the beginning of the relationship. It can be gifts, acts of love, etc. that is over the top and too much too soon.
A last-ditch effort to save a relationship. One person starts to pull away so the other love bombs to keep the other in the relationship. Once things are good again, the love bomber slows down with the love bombing until the other person again starts to pull away and then the cycle starts all over again. It might be said that it is the thrill of the chase. And the cycle continues until the relationship reaches its inevitable end.
Gaslighting
Anyone who has raised kids has experienced gaslighting at some point in their parenting.
Any of this sound familiar?
You are looking at your toddler who is covered in chocolate, and you ask, “Who ate the chocolate”?
While it’s obvious who ate the chocolate, your sweet and messy child adamantly argues he has no idea who ate the chocolate.
Emotional abuse gaslighting often looks like the perpetrator causing the victim to question their own view of the world. The perpetrator often can make the victim to believe he or she is crazy. And once that is fully believed, the victim stops talking to outside people because he or she is really worried it’s true! At times the victims even get to the point of gaslighting themselves into thinking they are the abuser.
The truth of love
As Christians, we have a very clear explanation of what love should look like in scripture
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”
1 Corinthians 13:4-7
The word “always” is repeated throughout that scripture. Why? Because love should be consistent. There is no cycle, there are no major ups and downs, there are no traps. This is the kind of love we should strive for and should give to others.
What to do if you are in an unhealthy relationship
First: Make sure you have a safe person outside of any relationship. Be brave and confide your concerns with this person. Be open to listening and hearing their response.
If you are not at the point where you feel comfortable reaching out for help yet, or you feel stuck, then Step 1 is to put the behavior into the context of why it took place. Seek to understand the goal or intent of the behavior. Do the behaviors you’ve experienced raise red flags for abuse?
Second: Reach out to others for help. That can look like a parent, friend, pastor, therapist, or coach. Sometimes we need outside help to fix an inside problem.
Third: As we always say in the classrooms: Abusive relationships must end.
There is no hope of them fixing while you are still together. That does not mean forever, but it must be for right now. Separate, do work on yourselves, then come back together and see if the relationship can be saved.
In the end, emotional abuse is extremely common, especially among high school and college relationships. One in three high school relationships has abuse in it, and that includes emotional abuse.
If you see it in yours, get help. We’d love to be that person for you.
The Fatherless Crisis
Our nation’s youth are in crisis. They have no frame of reference when it comes to healthy relationships. One out of every four teens have no father in the home. This is not to say that the remaining 75% of teens living in two parent households have a front row seat to a healthy marriage. Considering our cultural climate, it could be that as much as half of today’s teens have no positive male influence when it comes to relationships.
Who then is the dominant influence when it comes to sex, sexuality, and relationships? According to Forbes, teens spend about 8-9 hours per day in front of a screen. Many of the students we address in class tell us that they spend this much on their phone alone. Social media has a lot to say on all these subjects and obviously much of that is garbage. On top of that, internet pornography is an epidemic, a leviathan that may never be destroyed. All these things teach students about relationships that simply are wrong and unrealistic.
The Bible does not actually call men to be leaders. It says that they ARE leaders. Every man will impact those around him. The question is, how? Is he going to abandon his family and lead them into a life of chaos and destruction? Or is he going to come home from work, crack open a beer or twelve, turn the game on, and tune out? Or maybe he is abusive? Just because he is present, doesn't mean that he is leading his family well. Nonetheless, the bible says he IS the leader. His actions are LEADING his family into chaos.
There are so many good fathers out there and praise God for them. But given that this is not the case for so many students, I take my role in CE very seriously. I do my best to teach kids about what a healthy relationship looks like and how a healthy marriage can do so much good for their lives. I might be the only positive male influence when it comes to teaching on this topic. I am praying that God uses me to influence the next generation of fathers to be fathers on purpose. To get married, have children, have joyful and loving homes, and hopefully find Jesus.
This is what will drastically change Modesto. Children growing up in fatherless homes are more likely to commit violent crimes and to abuse drugs and alcohol. If we wish to see our community improve, we must influence the next generation to create loving families. I hope that when I talk as a father to future fathers, they are inspired to have what I have. While we are forbidden to discuss our faith in the public school, I hope and pray that they figure out that I only have my lovely wife because of Jesus. I only have my three beautiful, healthy, hilarious kids, because of Jesus. I did nothing to deserve them, but Jesus blessed me anyway. The state presents us from “planting the seed” as evangelicals like to say, but they cannot stop us from showing them the fruit. My goal is that students see the fruit of a Christ-centered marriage relationship and then ask us where they can get the seeds.
Written by Dustin Van Vliet, Community Educator
Great Spiritual Depression
We witness a culture of teens in a great spiritual depression. Often adults turn to romantic relationships, screens, and work to cope with their feelings of emptiness instead of seeking fulfillment in the call that God has on their life. Students do the same with dating, sex, social media, rebellious behaviors and over involvement in school activities. Students in public, private, and homeschooling alike, can get sucked into the trap of 'busyness' that is robbing them of peace. I have communicated with three different youth pastors (we are teaching their youth groups this semester) who all said they feel convicted for their students and church families. They feel convicted about the busy schedules of their students. I was shocked to hear this on three different accounts, from three estranged pastors. Students are so busy making their parents, teachers, and coaches proud that they do not even have time to attend a youth group night once a week or attend church on Sunday morning. They don't have time for devotions, meditative prayer, fasting, or even an episode of The Chosen. I admitted that I was devastated by this news. The eternal report card has none of those scores on its sheet. Fellowship, discipleship, and genuine spiritual growth is the real way to impact your child to become a strong Christ Follower in whatever circumstances they are going through, now and in the future.
A group of Senior High School girls that I disciple every Wednesday, regularly just throw out the phrase "it's fine, it's just my depression kicking in, lol". After awkwardly smiling with them the first few meetings, I got the courage to speak up when God told me to. I said with full sincerity that they should understand how the enemy wants to give God’s children disabling identities to keep them in darkness. Do not follow the darkness. We are children of light and have an endless supply of courage and fear-killing strength when we abide in Christ Jesus. He has given us the Holy spirit to speak truth against such lies. It is like the child nursery rhyme "Oh be careful little eyes what you see, oh be careful little eyes what you hear, for the Father up above in looking down in love, Oh be careful little eyes what you see/hear". Depressing music, violent shows, smutty YouTube videos, adulterous movies, and destructive friends will ultimately make you think on such things. You need to be around goodness to overflow with goodness. Peace is found in genuine rest knowing that your worth is in Christ alone, not your own efforts to earn favor and love of those around you. I expected the teens to be shy after my little speech but instead I heard many of them openly admit that they "know" what I mean "but that it's hard when the world sucks you in".
Children need routine but if it is suffocating their ability to hear God’s voice then it needs to change. Our teens need weekly interaction with Christ filled people such as pastors, youth leaders, Christian friends, and Christian parents/guardians. I pray for spiritual revival in our Central Valley students. A revival that stops youth from focusing on darkness. And to start focusing on their God given purpose. Many students are numb to the reality of their mortal bodies because they are too busy to ponder the meaning of life. We want those moments of doubt to be filled with true encouragement from loving Christ followers in their weekly life.
Written by Jessica Jacobson; Community Education Manager (when written in 2023)
Bringing Light
Earlier this year, a mom reached out in desperation for one last attempt before pulling her kid completely out of school. Since then, I have witnessed her daughter go from daily self harm and lies to confession and intervention in just 4 months. Often a teen ignores their parent's voice, no matter how wise their council. Sometimes, all a teen needs is a consistent person to invest in their spiritual and emotional well-being for them to find a better sense of self. She is definitely not finished (who is!?), but she is learning to go to God.
Keeping our sins in the dark is exactly what the enemy wants. So I pray for more light in the future of mentorship in the CE department!
Reach out anytime. I love to learn and foster open relationships with pastors, churches, school district workers, homeschooling moms, and concerned parents! It’s a wonderful way to bridge the divide often found in the universal church!
Written by Jessica Jacobson; Community Education Manager (when written in 2023)